This blog is SUPER vulnerable, even for me. But it is extremely necessary that I share the impact of sexual abuse.
It may sound a bit naïve, but before I experienced sexual abuse I didn't really understand the impact it could have on someone. I don't know if anyone truly does until it happens to them (which of course I wish on no one.)
For someone that hasn't experienced a form abuse, it can be easy (I know because I used to be this person), to think poorly about the victim. Asking, why didn't they just leave", or "how did they let that happen".
Abuse takes many different forms, and in some cases it isn't very straight cut. I learned this the hard way and hope to share my experience so others can pick up on the red flags earlier than I did. The issue in many situations is the psychological abuse is so manipulative that the victim generally doesn't recognize it until the damage has been done.
In this blog, I want to focus on the impact of sexual abuse specifically. I wanted to preface this with expressing that there was vast amounts of manipulation and emotional abuse before the sexual abuse began. This is the first time I have shared much of this, mostly out of shame. However, as I heal I am learning that there is no need for shame and embarrassment. What happened to me was not supposed to happen but it did and now I must help others using what I have learned.
The Beginning
A red flag that I should have seen from the very beginning, is how my abuser reacted to me saying, "No." If I knew what I know now, the first time this was disrespected I would have walked away. In the very beginning of our relationship, before it was even given a title, I remember feeling very conflicting feelings. He would grab my butt, or make sexual gestures in public against my wishes. Whenever I would express that it made me uncomfortable, especially in public, this was disregarded as "just a flirtatious gesture". This was the first red flag.
Of course in the beginning of these manipulative abusive relationships, the love bombing and infatuation of the honeymoon phase has you on cloud nine, often forgiving and looking past inappropriate behavior or red flags trusting that they would clear up with time. Fast forward a couple of years, you come to find out things have only gotten worse, but you are so entangled in the up's and down's that it feels almost impossible to get out. You have put so much effort trying to explain yourself, justify behaviors, forgive, and be the partner you would want to have.
A Little TMI
The second issue early on was the forbiddance of sex toys in the bedroom for my pleasure. (Sorry, TMI) However, when you evaluate the implication of this, it really was quite manipulative. These were not acceptable in our relationship out of the concept that these might be of competition to him, coming out of a very dark place of insecurity he turned into control. My pleasure was disregarded or came second to his every time. After a while, the feeling of not being prioritized fairly in the bedroom begins to impact your self esteem and self worth.
Towards the End
If this wasn't problem enough, after I decided to end things, all of the abuse including sexual increased two-fold. After he realized I was done, giving up and telling him to move his stuff out of my house- he lost it. This was the most terrifying time period in our relationship and the part that impacted me the most.
At this point I was disgusted by him physically and emotionally. Nothing in my being wanted to be in the same vicinity as him- especially not sexually. However, when he started threatening to kill himself, I didn't really know what else to do.
Out of fear, I laid next to him. I remember folding my arms across my chest, laying on my side with him behind me and his arm around my waist crying softly until he fell asleep. I lifted his arm off and left the room. The feeling of doing something against your will out of fear left me feeling ashamed, disgusted, taken advantage of, and honestly a little like dirt. My self worth was completely disregarded.
Please keep in mind while all of this was happening, I was trying to work, upkeep a household and protect his daughter. And yes, I was setting deadlines for him to get out of my house, threatening lawyers and the police. I was doing everything I could.
At this point, I was sleeping in the basement on an old bed in the corner. I told him to leave my alone, and it was clear that I wanted nothing to do with him.
I remember vividly waking up at 12:35 AM, in the basement, with him trying to pull my pants down and shoving his hands in my pants with the smell of stale beer on his breath behind my neck. I ripped his arm off of me and immediately told him to stop and that I didn't want anything to do with him. He continued pressuring me and touching me until I got up and threatened to call the police.
Having your space invaded and body disrespected especially when unconscious is terrifying. When you feel that your voice no longer matters, it is a scary realization. It then turns into the competition of the physical, and in a fight I would lose every time. I felt disgusted, unimportant, and like I was an object.
The implications of sexual abuse, especially rape, leave victims feeling worthless. For me, this has taken a long time to work through. Building up my self worth is something I am still actively working on today. That, and trusting another human being with my heart. My current boyfriend has been the most patient, understanding, and caring man God could have blessed me with. He has seen me lock up and have panic attacks more times than I can count. The trauma of sexual, psychological, and physical abuse is very hard thing to navigate and needs to be handled with patience and care. I couldn't be where I am today without his reassurance and commitment to keeping his word and proving to me what love truly is about.
If you have experienced sexual abuse, you are not alone in the feelings you are working through. I encourage you to reach out to others and talk about it. If you need, shoot me an email, I would love to listen.
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